I used to take great pride in the fact that I was so low-maintenance. I never asked for favors, never requested a raise, never even asked a friend for help in a crisis. I saw myself as having to “need less” as a part of my emotional or spiritual ascension. To me needing, things was weakness, a vulnerability that’s invite to disappointment and rejection. But as time went on, I started to realize that my level of invisibility was stunting my growth in a major way. I had perfected the art of self erasure, while others being more visible and vocal about their wants and needs moved on to bigger and better things. I was so proud that I had perfected the art of invisibility and self erasure, that I could never even ask for things that I didn’t realize that I had set up a world in which no one could possibly say “yes” to me. My self-imposed restrictions acted as a barrier, eliminating the opportunities for me to receive help and support. Without asking and needing things, I had eliminated the possibilities and freedoms that come from asserting my needs.
Hyper-Independence
Hyper-independence sounds like a personality trait but simply put, it is a survival mechanism. Hyper-independence is a psychological term describing a learned behavior or trauma response. It is the belief that relying on someone is dangerous or shameful. People that self-advertise that they are not in need of anything are actually trying to protect their buried desires. Protective measures are taken to limit an environment. In a growth oriented environment, protective measures are the things that limit growth. Hyper-independence is the protective personality that is trying to grow one thing, one person, or one unit. Flexibility is the strength found in support. Hyper-independence lacks the growth found in human support systems. Human connections are built through vulnerability, the ability to need help. Hyper-independence misses the ability to need help, so it misses the ability to grow, connect and integrate. It is singular and simple.
The Cost of the Unasked Question
The phrase “needing less” is misleading and leaves out the costs, which are hard to quantify and omnipresent in every aspect of life: your career, your relationships, and your mental health. For example, in your career, people think that if you are a hard worker, you will be recognized and promoted. However, that only happens if you advocate for yourself. If you do not do this, you will be passed over and people will think you are fine being overlooked. Eventually, they will stop checking in with you. You will lose all social and professional support and be left isolated. In this example, the hyper-independent person is contrasted with an individual who is collaborative, and the results are shown in the table below.
| Life Satisfaction Meter | Hyper Independent | Collaborative |
|---|---|---|
| Pace of Professional Advancement | Slow and constant | Fast and constant |
| Depth of Support Systems | Shallow and empty | Deep, multi-faceted |
| Internalized Stress | High | Low |
| Likelihood of Burnout | High | Low |
| Opptunities for ‘Yes’ | None to Minimal | Regular and Varied |
Breaking the Cycle of Saying No
In the words of Breaking the Cycle by Joybelle, ‘It is important to understand the need to transform a decade of self isolation to think of the word ‘need’ in a different way.’ This means we are going to see our ‘needs’ less as ‘problems’ that friends/circle need to help us as they see it as a ‘burden’ to them, and see it as an invitation for participation in our life (if you need/ask them to help you see it as they are ‘adding’ to help finish the project). This begins with small ‘ask for help’ requests, like, ‘Could you give me your recommendation?’, ‘What is your opinion about the project?’, or, ‘I am having a difficult time, so please help me.’ To help the brain re-wire itself, we are going to try and help our thinking go from ‘I am thinking there is a limited amount of help and support’ to a thinking of ‘I am thinking there is so much abundance and support for me.’ This way, by having the people in our lives support us, we are going to help strengthen the relationship. Now, we have to stop making the NO decision for others.
The Importance of Reciprocal Relationships
As we begin to ask for help, we see just how generous others can be. There is a change that occurs when we are not being “strong” all of the time. The people that care about us want to help. It allows them to be more involved. It is beneficial to feel this sense of purpose, especially within a relationship. This is the “Ben Franklin Effect” in action—doing a favor for someone, usually makes us like them more; so, the opposite can be true. Because we are need less, we loved ones the most. It is a privilege to feel needed. Most people see showing other their needs, stop hiding. It is not a sign of weakness. It’s the opposite. It’s so much better than avoiding the question, “Are you okay?” Because, being part of the group, being a person in society, is so much better than being lonely.
FAQs
Q1 Is being dependent a bad thing?
It’s better to be independent than to be dependent. It can become a problem when you are so independent that you can not connect to people. Hyper independence is a problem.
Q2 What is the best way to ask for things without feeling guilty?
Try small requests because asking for help is a good way to show trust and make the other person feel good and needed.
Q3 Will people consider me weak if I express my needs?
Being able to show your needs is a sign of emotional intelligence and people will consider you confident for it. It shows you know your worth and you trust the people around you.